FAT MAN MURPH

Earlier this week, I laid out 5 resolutions I hope to achieve in 2018. One of those was to lose weight. I always have this one, and I always fail. So what I need is a goal: something to aim towards that involves weight loss, but doesn’t make weight loss the end product.

Luscious and I stumbled across a couple of documentaries on the Crossfit Games during our Christmas Break, and that’s when I discovered Murph.

Murph is a competitive routine named after a US Navy Lieutenant and crossfit enthusiast, Michael Murphy, who was killed in Afghanistan in 2005. It consists of the following elements:

  • 1 mile (approx. 1500 metre) run
  • 100 pull-ups
  • 200 push-ups
  • 300 squats
  • Another 1 mile run

Competitors at the Crossfit Games did all this while wearing a 20lb/14lb vest, because they all have the kind of bodies Marvel have to CGI onto their actors, and have clearly lost the will to live.

This could be the very thing. I’m going to need to lose weight, gain physique and fitness, and generally become a less repulsive version of my current obese self just to complete this. So that’s the plan: by the time we came to the end of our (initial) 2 years in Karratha, I’ll make a serious attempt at a Murph.

There’s just one problem…

 

This is me. 47 years of age. A faerie’s breath short of 5ft 10in (177cm) in height. Weighing 111.6 kilograms (246lbs). Chest 119.5 cm; waist 116 cm, hips 126 cm, bicep 40 cm, thigh 64.5 cm. Tee shirt size somewhere between a double and triple X depending on the tee and whether I feel baggy or not on the day. Osteoarthritis in the right knee; bursitis in the left shoulder; hip displacement, shoulder displacement, and all-round cracking and ill-fitting joints from a car accident 16 years previously that has never had a chance to repair permanently because fat. No diabetes, but elevated blood sugar and cholesterol levels and a noticeably fatty liver. Basically, I’m a fucking mess.

To find out how much of a mess, and how far the journey really is going to be, I need to give myself a benchmark.

With that in mind, I took the field early this morning and attempted a Fat Man Murph:

First, I timed how long it took me to walk/jog/stumble/limp 1500 metres. Then I nipped over to the park across the road to record how many pull-ups I could actually do before collapsing. Back to the house to record how many push-ups and squats I could manage in a row. Then out on the road again, to cover the same 1500 metres and record the time. These were my results:

  • 1 mile “run”: 14.07.73
  • Pull-ups: 0
  • Push-ups: 12
  • Squats: 15
  • 1 mile “run”: 15.03.44

So there’s my… I don’t know, benchmark seems overly optimistic. It’s more like a parkbenchmark. Let’s reconvene here in a year or so, and see how I’m going…

 

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