The news this week that The Emoji Movie became the first animated movie to win a Worst Movie Razzie sounds like a good excuse to look back at five of the worst animated movies I’ve been forced to endure. I love animated movies: at their best, like Akira or the Toy Story trilogy, an animated movie can be a dazzling, inspiring whirlwind of imagination and technical wizardry.
These are not that.
5 For Friday: Won’t Someone Think of the The Children?
1. The Emoji Movie
Never has a movie more deservedly won a Razzie. Not only one of the worst animated movies ever made, but on the basis of result versus money/stars/effort sunk into it, a very strong contender for the worst movie I’ve ever watched. To be clear, I’ve seen movies that were less competently made; more risibly written, acted and directed; more laughably costumed; and generally just all-round tattier and scabbier– but this is the worst. If the sound of Patrick Stewart– who, let’s be honest, has never really seen an open cheque book he didn’t love– lending his bankable mellifluousness to the playing a character that is a literal walking pile of shit is your sort of thing, then you’re in luck. If not, then be warned: this is utterly charmless, unfunny, trite, imbecilic, and mercenary. Which makes it a perfect vehicle for James Corden’s “talents”, but everyone else in the Universe should run screaming.
Sir Patrick Stewart, OBE, spent 16 years with the Royal Shakespeare Company
and has multiple Oliver, Screen Actor’s Guild, and Emmy nominations. Apparently.
2. Polar Express
Before Gollum, before Doug Jones and Andy Serkis and people who can inhabit a body while strapped into a wetsuit and seven thousand extraneous nipples, image capture was… well, let’s just say Gollum looks amazing. Unfortunately, Gollum isn’t in The Polar Express.
Also unfortunately, somebody, somewhere, thought that five Tom Hanks’ was a good idea, and the whole thing only serves to prove what we already knew: Christmas movies are awful, Tom Hanks doing anything other than be Tom Hanks is just painful to watch; and having Tom Hanks stalk a child while throwing on different costumes and a set of accents that sound exactly like Tom Hanks trying to do fake accents is just fucking creepy.
Hello, Mister Battersby. Is your daughter home?
3. Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend
Look, if tentacle sex and vagina dentata is your thing, take a fucking long hard look at yourself.
There is not a single redeeming feature in this homage to the hatred of women. Blah blah demons, blah blah coexistence, blah blah who gives a shit? The whole thing is just an excuse to hatefuck Japanese pantypeek fantasy girls in as many violent and degrading ways possible. Honestly, I was subjected to this bloody thing as part of an anime festival and it put me of anime for nearly a decade.
Perverts to the left of me, hatefuckers to the right……
4. Golgo 13: The Professional
Golgo 13 is a professional assassin, a creature of darkness and solitude. As such, he naturally drives a distinctive hotted up sportscar loaded with identifying logos at screechingly high speeds, is able to avoid helicopter minigun rounds that are levelling a room around him, allows every single contact and assistant around him to be easily located and eliminated, is able to distort the rules of physics, and…. well, you get the idea. Basically, he’s the Punisher for morons.
If you ever watched a Roger Moore James Bond movie and thought, “This is stupid, but it just isn’t stupid enough for my tastes,” Golgo 13 is the movie for you.
Somewhere, there are some story notes wherein the idea of Little Red Riding Hood being re-imagined as a contemporary, self-aware crime movie parody is presented as a Really Good Thing ™. And, honestly, the idea is redolent with promise. Unfortunately, they gave it to some first year film students to make. The jokes are leaden, the characters one-dimensional, and the animation… oh, God. The animation.
I’ve seen flip books with better animation. Children’s crayon drawings on the wall of a day care centre would make better animation. Hoodwinked would be the poster child for bad animation, except that the poster would look as if it was drawn in the dark with no knowledge of arcane skills like perspective or light sources.
How bad is it? The voice cast includes Patrick Warburton, Glenn Close, Anne Hathaway, David Ogden Stiers, and Chazz Palminteri, and it’s still on a list of the 5 worst animated movies I’ve ever seen…
You’ve been warned.
A common reaction to being made to sit through this POS.