Thundercats! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Peppa Pig! Nothing that comes from anthropomorphic cartoon animals can possibly go wrong, because shutup furries and hentai doesn’t exist, right?
Or to put it another way: Oh, god. Chima.
Here’s a Lego 250 review.
Chima was introduced in 2013 as the successor to Ninjago. Instead of the world’s worst ninjas running around being all colourful and noisy and driving such traditional ninja vehicles as motorbikes, tanks, and giant steampunk airships, it featured numerous anthropomorphic animal tribes running around doing… something… and riding each other… and life force something something… and honestly, it looked like it was aimed at particularly gullible five year olds and I booked out about halfway through the first advert.
Anyway, Ninjago: still going. Chima: lasted a couple of years, and you never see a diorama at any convention I’ve ever been to, and I’ve never met anybody who collected it, and you can draw your own conclusions.
Somehow, thanks to Lord When He Was Younger, I’ve ended up with a couple of sets. 70123 Lion Legend Beast features a sword-wielding lion — because if you’re a lion, clearly you need to up your weapons game — riding a… bigger lion?
Is this one of those Goofy/Pluto things?
Let’s be honest: I would not die of surprise if one of these lions keeps the other one hidden in the attic…
So anyway, George rides Lenny, who is made up of about half the number of bricks needed to make him look like anything decent. The minifigure is okay: it’s very nicely printed, and the… honestly, I can’t tell if it’s a helmet or a removable part of his face, which doesn’t bear thinking about… is beautifully detailed. Where this set really falls down — and by fall down, I mean fall screaming into an endless abyss like Luke Skywalker without the Millennium Falcon to catch him at the bottom — is in the build itself.
There’s no polite way to say this. The main build in this set is fucking awful. There are just under 120 pieces in this thing, and while it may not be the hugest number ever, it’s difficult to work out where they’ve all gone. I mean, take a look at it:
Somebody feed this poor baby. I can see its hip bones. I mean, literally: that’s what the tail is hanging from, right?
That’s a head and four legs attached, basically, to a plank. If this is supposed to be a lion, it’s one of those lions you see in those documentaries where it’s been kicked out of the pride, and injured, so it hasn’t eaten for three months and is about to die of starvation. This is not a well lion.
Which probably explains its balance problems, too. Because you see those legs? You see those ball and socket joints? Well, they’re as wobbly as all buggery, and to make matters worse, the legs are different lengths. There’s as much chance of posing this swollen-headed stick insect attractively as there is of Boris Johnson being guest of honour at a Black Panthers reunion. Add a stupidly comical Clarence The Cross-Eyed Lion facial build, and a tail that drops off the moment a butterfly in South America sneezes, and you’ve created a perfect storm of awfulness.
We gave you a perfectly good apex predator, and you fucked it up.
There’s no excusing 70123 Lion Legend Beast. Even accounting for the fact it belongs to a theme I had no interest in, it is an insultingly slapdash and minimal build. It lacks all the things I expect to see in a decent set design: it’s unbalanced, unattractive, horribly designed, and simply bad on all levels. It is, quite simply, a disgrace of a set.
Horrible in every way. Hang your stupid, cross-eyed, cartoony heads in shame.
Just what the world needed: a How-Not-To in Lego design.
The League Table of Awesomeness