SUNDAY YOUTUBERY

I’ve not been the same since libraries started stocking DVDs. Especially as they seem to like stocking DVDs of all the old comediy shows I grew up with.

Thanks to Rockingham Uni Library, we introduced Blakey to the wonder of Morecambe & Wise the other week, and I’ve been on a jag ever since.

Here’s one of their best moments. Bring me sunshine? They always did.

ONE FOR THE FLIP SIDE

Now, I know I’ve been rabbiting on about how brilliant life is in Mandurah, about the wonder of the foreshore, and the delights of seeing wild emus and kangaroos from the train on the way home, and the relaxed and happy lifestyle we’ve created for ourselves and the kids. So it’s perhaps only fair that I present an anecdote to prove that all is not perfect in this Paradise by the southern beaches.

Sunday night at the Silver Sands hotel drive through. The Liquorland down the road from us is closed.

No beers on display in the tiny, pokey, bottleshop.

Only a “staff only” sign on the freezer room door to indicate the presence of any beer in the building.

The following conversation ensues:

SALES BLOKE: Yeah, mate?
LEE: I’m after some beer.
SB: Yeah?
LEE: Have you got anything a bit out of the ordinary? I’m in the mood for something a bit different, you know? A bit exotic.

Long pause while shoppie stares off into the distance, no doubt mentally trawling through the miles of freezer rooms shelves weighted down with beers from every corner of the globe, searching his prodigious memory for the perfect bottle of the most exotic brew available to man. After several seconds of contemplation–

SB: Carlton Cold?

One six pack of Heineken later………

SO VERY CLOSE YET SO VERY VERY FAR…..

Outside the Bunbury art gallery there’s a seating area, covered by a pergola whose roof is slanted at something like 60 degrees. I point at it as we cruise past.

ME: Check it out. Rodin’s “Ski-jump”
AIDEN: (Deadly serious) Why would he need a ski jump? He’s got wings.

I swear, I had to pull the car over so we didn’t crash.

 


Merde, I have dropped mah beret!

SNIPPETAGE

BIT THE FIRST: SCIENCE, THE LAND OF 2ND-HAND COMEDY

Just when you think paleoscience is a field populated by old guys with their long, receding silver hair tied back into ponytails that weren’t even fashionable when they were supposed to be, and whose language and interests are as dry and dusty as the fossilised turds they spend half their lives digging out of some godforsaken desert (Actually, I don’t really think that. I’ve always wanted to be a paleontologist, always always always, and frankly, I’m just bitter and jealous because it never happened), comes this wonderful bit of comedic happenstance to help you realise that these guys just have to be as brilliant and cool as their jobs.

The thagomizer. Use it in conversation today.

BIT THE SECOND: WTF QUESTIONS

For no reason at all, whilst driving in the car with Connor this morning, in the midst of no conversation at all, out he pops with this question:

Daddy, do penguins do popoffs?

Where’s the chapter on that, Christopher Green, you bastard?*


BIT THE THIRD: I KNEW HIM WHEN HE WAS JUST A FOLK SINGER

Anyone who’s been paying attention will know that I’ve been pimping one Jason Fischer as the next great thing in Australian SF.

He’s just won first prize in his quarter of this year’s Writers Of The Future.

Prophecy ful-fucking-FILLED, baby!

Boy’s gonna be a legend, mark my words.

*Christopher Green refers, of course, to the well-known Australian parenting author, not the uber-cool, long-haired, mad as a cut snake, Gene-Simmons-boots-wearing Melburnian SF author, who is a pal and almost 100% guaranteed not to be a bastard. Although he may be Mafia.

TWEET TWEET

  • Ooooh, I could turn Corpse-Rat King for home, or I could add another section right here and stretch it out a bit. Both options look good.
  • Mad Max. Top Gun. If someone wants to nickname you ‘Goose’, just say no.
  • @seanlindsay Corpse Licker?
  • @seanlindsay No! No! (wait for it): CORPSE FELCHER!!!!!!!
  • She *said* multi-story parking, but I *heard* Montessori parking. “Oh, park where you want. As long as you get there in your own time…”
  • @seanlindsay Crossing lines is what Tiggers do best 🙂
  • Hope everyone is having a great time advancing their careers while I sit here ploughing through my first draft. (utters exaggerated sigh)
  • #review140: Mad Max and Bolt (now *there’s* a double feature)– twitter.com/review140
  • I know it’s my job to make sure he grows up speaking well, but I’m really going to be sad the day Connor stops caling lemonade “ermonade”
  • My little boy’s first day at kindy. The house is all a flutter, especially young Mister Excited 🙂
  • Picked up Connor from his first day at kindy. All my kids at school: what a weird feeling! #

TWEET TWEET

  • Crap, it’s morning. Lunch with stepdaughter today, plus editing novel so I can show agent I haven’t just been avoiding her for last 6 months
  • There’s a fine but significant, difference between “secret cross-dressing Nazi” and “secret Nazi cross-dresser”
  • Number of times my wife will tolerate me answering a “Where did the (thing) go?” question with “Silicone Heaven?”– once.
  • Lessons my 4 year old has just learned- don’t blame things on the 7 year old when she’s been at her Nanna’s house since Friday.
  • Best way to stop the 4 year old chucking a paddy because he wants to drink the vinegar? Let him 🙂
  • “Would you like some more?” ……………………………………………………. (little voice) “No fanks you” :))))

OOOOOOH, SCARRRRRYYYYYY….

So for reasons known only to themselves, Erin and Connor have decided to tell each other scary stories every time we go out in the car. Today, Connor goes first.

CONNOR: There a scary monster. And he climb the stairs!
ME: (After a pause) That’s scary, Connor. Is there any more?
CONNOR: Dum dum DUMMMMMMM!

Short pause while I crash the car…..

AND THE WINNER IS…..

ME: (Strikes muscle pose): Sixty thousand words!
LYN: How many Nano?
ME: Forty five thousand, eight hundred.
LYN: You’re ahead of me again. It’s so hard to go back and write filler. You’re going to win.
ME: Well, you’re winning the race that actually matters.
LYN: What do you mean?
ME: One novel beats one bit of a novel.

Pause

LYN: Well, yeah…

PS: Apocalypso in my pants. Sob….

A DIVERTING WAY TO SPEND MY MORNING

You know, once I’d uploaded the picture for the last post, I realised how much it resembled an old-fashioned Chinese menu, and how much fun you can have choosing one from column A and one from column B.

So just watch out for the vengeance of the Redneck Lord, all you Scientologist Sports Nuts and Buddhist Fornicators and Wifebeating Loud Mouth Women….

Go on, try it. It’s more fun than it should be 🙂

Incidentally, anyone care to guess what a PK is? Does the Redneck Lord damn all chewing gum, or just that particular brand?

WARM NOT YOUR HEAD WATER MICROWAVE UNIT INTERNAL

As is my wont, I occasionally purchase items of a useful and pleasing nature. You know, like Lyn >:)

And, like Lyn, the instructions are sometimes a little on the, shall we say, interpretive dance level.

However.

Yesterday, oh, yesterday my friends, we reached a level of English-as-a-guideline-only-ness that even Samuel Goldwyn would have viewed with pride. I don’t know what it’ll be yet, but I’m bound to have something cool kicking about the house I can give away as a prize for the first person who can tell me what these instructions relate to. It’s a personal item, and it’s blue. That’s all the hint you get 🙂