TWEET TWEET

  • We’ve seen another house, so back to bloomin’ Mandurah again today!
  • Have put an offer on a house and had it accepted. All that remains is to start shitting ourselves while waiting for bank approval.
  • Have chosen my AHWA mentees. Let the senseless torture of innocent aspiring writers begin!
  • Should be in bed- to work early tomorrow. But I’m too awake, slightly scared by the finances to come. Wish I knew how best to proceed
  • A day of shattered tiredness thanks to non-sleepy squirmin’ child. Please let tonight be better.
  • @eugiefoster Zombies. Zombies go up like dry tinder.
  • Head to the left, galley to the right, weird shit off the port bow.

A SHORT SHORT SHORT FOR YOUR EDIFICATION

One of the funninest sites to hop on to the Twitter bandwagon is a little thing called Thaumatrope, that publishes short stories of less than 140 characters in length. I’ve sold them a couple of stories– it’s funny how the possibility of money can turn what used to be random thoughts into a paying story idea– here’s my story they published for Valentine’s Day, for example:

They loved each other, and so gave freely of themselves. For her, his heart, in a velvet-lined box. In return, her face, tied with a bow.

If you have a twitter account, follow them: the likes of Mary Robinette Kowal, Alathea Kontis and Greg van Eekhout have contributed, and it’s a nice feeling to get some fiction in amongst the notices that Bill Bloggs has woken up and is about to go to the toilet.

Anyway, the reason I mention all this is that they’re closed to submissions, and I can’t be bothered waiting until they re-open to loose yesterday’s random idea onto the world. So have 140 words of free Battfiction, on me:

The drowned child returned. In her embrace he found an absolution missing for thirty years. When she returned to the lake, she was not alone

As you were.

TWEET TWEET

  • It probably makes me a bad person, but I don’t care that another mag that never replied to subs and was too hard to work with has karked it
  • It’s taken far too long, but ‘Corpse-Rat King’ has *finally* moved past 75000 words.
  • A good work-ethic at lunch has resulted in the 1st 1500 word day in ages.
  • There are times I wish I was so young again, that all my day’s worries could be laid to rest with one snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug
  • Yup, zackly. It’ll probably be replaced by a wrestling mag, as was its predecessor

TWEET TWEET

  • Crap, it’s morning. Lunch with stepdaughter today, plus editing novel so I can show agent I haven’t just been avoiding her for last 6 months
  • There’s a fine but significant, difference between “secret cross-dressing Nazi” and “secret Nazi cross-dresser”
  • Number of times my wife will tolerate me answering a “Where did the (thing) go?” question with “Silicone Heaven?”– once.
  • Lessons my 4 year old has just learned- don’t blame things on the 7 year old when she’s been at her Nanna’s house since Friday.
  • Best way to stop the 4 year old chucking a paddy because he wants to drink the vinegar? Let him πŸ™‚
  • “Would you like some more?” ……………………………………………………. (little voice) “No fanks you” :))))

TWEET TWEET

  • 2009 has started with my son pooing his bed. As omens go, this is not the *best* one I’ve ever had.
  • 2009 goal weight: 90kg, 2009 starting weight: 102.1kg. For those of you who work in pounds and ounces, that translates as “fucking fat”.
  • Chest 115cm, Waist 111cm, Right bicep 37cm, Right thigh 63cm. Another measurment in a month or so, see what changes I can make.
  • Goddammit, 2009 is too hot.
  • So did anyone notice the extra second today? Blew my whole day out of whack…
  • Restless, unsatisfied, itching to do something meaningful. Good place to be as an artist right now, but makes me a shit for anything else.
  • started a new review tweet because 140 characters is enough to describe whatever I’m watching/reading: twitter.com/review140
  • @seanlindsay Technically, the second was actually a second of no-time in between the days. That’s where the Daleks were hiding all along…
  • review140 First up, the Big Lebowski, which I watched tonight with Lyn and Aiden
  • @seanlindsay I’m always wrong first. It’s only later, when everybody is correct, that I join the herd πŸ™‚
  • @Nnedi Bouncing is what Tiggers do best #

TWEET TWEET

  • Agh: remember when ‘Snap Crackle Pop’ described your breakfast cereal and not your back?
  • Forest 3-2 Norwich, and we’re out of the bottom three for the first time this season. You beautiful Reds!
  • So that would be *my* 4yo wandering round the house, snapping bubble wrap and shouting “Who done a popoff?” every time it pops.
  • No better way to spend a summer holiday afternoon than down the pool with the kids. All hail the inventor of the water slide!
  • What’s the point of sending me all those emails promising me a larger erection when I’m taking anti-inflammatories?

TWEET TWEET

  • There is nobody as inconsolable as a 4 year old boy who has lost his new Ben 10 thongs he got for Christmas
  • 2009 has started and I’ve already clocked my first gym session of the year, Don’t you all feel bad for waiting until Jan 1st to catch up?
  • Also: ouch, my everything hurts.
  • @matociquala It’s okay: Russell Davies will be gone very soon, and then Dr Who can go back to being not shit for a while.

TWEET TWEET

  • 2009 starts tomorrow*. You have been notified (*- for me, anyway. Y’all can start whenever you’re ready, but I need to get back to work)
  • I shall join the list of twitter announcements and let you all know that Gardner Dozois has bought sweet fuck all from me for anything πŸ™‚
  • A whole extra second has been added to 2008! Now I have time to be interested in Adam Sandler movies! www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28392450/
  • So tonight it’s be KFC and BSG. Put ’em all together and what have you got? KFCBSG…..
  • So that’s my last fast food for the foreseeable future eaten. Now I shall drink my last beer. Yes, I have taken my anti-inflammatories….
  • Am I the only one who thinks ‘The Yes Man’ just looks like a not-particulalry-original revamp of ‘Liar Liar’?
  • @seanlindsay It can be done– Shadow of The Vampire is a highly original revamp/re-imagining, but this sure doesn’t look like one
  • They look like us, they act like us, some have been programmed to think they are human… Cylons are Liberal Party volunteers, man!
  • @seanlindsay The problem with fickle minxes is knowing what to feed them…
  • Got me a Twitter Grade of 79/100 from @grader. See: twitter.grader.com/leebattersby. I’m ranked 95,930 out of 788,106

TWEET TWEET

  • Forest 2- 4 Doncaster, and our manager sacked!! What a fucking disaster.
  • Family is not a matter of blood– family is the village you build around yourself with ties more important than any accident of genes
  • Which is to say: we had a wonderful family occasion today, with the family that we have created between us, no matter where they started
  • Somebody. Please. Kill Noel Fielding. That’s all I ask.
  • Frankie Howerd- Rather You Than Me. David Walliams as Frankie. Heartbreakingly sad docudrama

TWEET TWEET

  • Christmas Day + gout = the innate understanding that I am now a teetotaller.
  • Help me: I’m waist deep in a pile of Disney Princess dolls, Wii games, guitars, omnitrixes, twist ties and wrapping paper, and I can’t move!
  • The Colbert Xmas Special: Willie Nelson singing about the 4th Wise Man giving a gift of dope to the baby Jesus– comic fucking GENIUS
  • Boxing Day: traditionally when Masters rewarded servants. We gave the kids their presents today. Coincidence?
  • Half time, Man U/Stoke nil-all, me listing what I’m unsatisfied with in my life and want to change: 45001 unsatisfied people in my house
  • Short version: too fat, too unfit, too not-novelist, too poor, too shoddy house, too crap gardens. Action plan seems somewhat obvious…
  • On the other hand, you all look great! Especially you.

TWEET TWEET

  • Well *that* didn’t pan out- back home from work because of pain. Wireless connection and my bed for the rest of the day
  • @matociquala You know, male character default number of testicles is two. Just saying…. πŸ™‚
  • Quantum of Solace: a series of explosions that once met a plot at a party but can’t quite remember its name.
  • Corpse-Rat King has passed 70 000 words and is now encouraging me to get back to writing every day instead of being such a slack-arse
  • Off to have a blood test now. I know I have some, I just need to find out if it can pass a test.
  • How to get a path nurse to like you– offer referral, say “Hi, my doctor gave me this gift certificate…”
  • Blood test over: I got a 72.
  • @thesciphishow Never underestimate the value of a good freak show πŸ™‚
  • Crisps, alcoholic ginger beer, BSG box set, the boys, and my beautiful wife. The evening, she is booked.
  • Just for the record #1- my wife is the Queen of roast dinners
  • Just for the record #2- Galacticapalooza does *not* roll easily off the tongue
  • @jstrahan Capricalooza!

TWEET TWEET

  • Sick day two. Swollen ankle day two and a bit. Two episodes of Top Gear saved on Foxtel IQ. Morning would appear to be taken care of.
  • New couch arriving this morning, just in time for me to lie on it all day.
  • Have to go to hospital for an ultrasound on my ankle in case I have blood clots. Looks like another day off work at least.
  • Ultrasound shows no blood clots. Which means I probably have gout. At 38…………………………. shit.
  • @thesciphishow Haven’t tried Frisky Dingo, but love the others, as well as The Brak Show and Aqua Teen Hunger Force (though the movie stank)
  • @thesciphishow The all-time best, though, is The Venture Brothers. Go Team Venture!
  • Sitting in a cafe, waiting to go in and watch ‘Four Holidays’, wondering if we’re about to make a horrible mistake
  • ‘Four Holidays’ not a *complete* mistake, but I could have waited until it was on weekly hire and not felt ripped off at paying $1.95 for it
  • One publishing house following another’s tweets? Could that be the world’s crappest industrial espionage? πŸ™‚
  • TV taglines I want to hear: “The 21st century is when everything changes. Except for you. Sorry.”

TWEET TWEET

A couple of days worth, in lieu of actual content (Tomorrow, my dears, tomorrow)

  • Perception is nine-tenths of the law
  • Meet for lunch to discuss work, end up deciding to redecorate the entire house. It’s another day with Lyn and Lee!
  • @seanlindsay My hero was getting attacked by a dead guy wielding a hoe with intent. It was his only option πŸ™‚
  • One is quite capable of ignoring one’s inner fanboy until one reads the sentence “Stan Lee has accepted your friend request”
  • Greg Proops, but then, don’t we all?
  • Sentences you really want to hear from your wife at age 38– “Maybe your kness hurt so much because you have gout”
  • Sinead O’Connor singing “She Moved Through The Fair”. Oh God, my heart is breaking.
  • And then I read the first line of page 269 of ‘Choke’, and that’s when I began to laugh my arse off.
  • @drewbeatty Actually, we *all* dislike your neighbours. Somebody really should tell them.

TWEET TWEET

  • 13:01 Happy birthday to my beautiful daughter Erin, who turns seven today
  • 13:02 There’s so much tinsel hanging over my desk it’s like sitting inside one of Michael Jackson’s jackets.
  • 13:06 Finally have the same number of followers as following. Curse those high school years for my sad, needy ways of measuring popularity
  • 19:03 @jelundberg I’d just be in a land of awesome at having gas-powered trees!
  • 19:41 Why don’t my tabs disappear back up into the top of the monitor all of a sudden? FUCK I hate computers!
  • 19:55 Gingko and St John’s Wort– best stress remedy we’ve found, as reminded to me by my darling wife with instructions to take some right now
  • 19:58 My wife has no idea that Dog Soldiers isn’t going to be as twee and comfy as An American Werewolf in London and The Howling…
  • 20:00 So it’s official? I’m the only being in the Universe who thinks Patterson Joseph will make a shit Doctor?
  • 20:03 @garykemble Oh yes, my vibes have performed for the Queen! Of course, they were arrested, but…. they are yours to do with as you will.

TWEET TWEET

09:10 I am the Emperor of home-made ginger and apricot biscuits. Yum!
09:14 @thesciphishow Fantastic news! Great to see Sci Phi Journal kicking on! Best of luck with the new issue.
12:54 Ah, the joys of youth, when ‘gourmet eating’ meant getting chips with your spaghetto bolognaise…
12:54 Here’s a hint for aspiring novelists– when ordering lunch, make sure it’s something you can eat with one hand
12:55 my Twitterank is 4.41! twitterank.com/?u=leebattersby@gmail.com
19:10 The Corpse-Rat King has passed 43 000 words

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TWEET TWEET

  • 07:51 38 years old today, and I don’t feel a day over 90
  • 13:33 Just so you know, it is entirely possible that Madness’ 1996 album “Wonderful” is the greatest pop album in the history of the entire world
  • 13:34 Of course, we all know that Brian May is the greatest guitarist who has ever lived, so that goes without saying

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